Monday, September 5, 2011
It's okay to feel the pain. Don't stuff it. Don't hide it from yourself. Don't turn it into anger, blame, fear, guilt, etc. Simply feel the pain. Let it flow through you and out the other side. Feel it. Let it happen. It's okay to feel the pain.
If one really wants something deep inside, it overpowers everything and that thing comes. If one really wants something deeply, but just as deeply believes it is wrong to have it, or s/he cannot have it, then there's a stalemate. One needs to break that stalemate to get what one wants.
In 1 Corinthians 11, Paul seems to be majorly ticked off because people are coming to the sacrament meeting hungry, while others have eaten. He tells them to eat at home. This is not a meal to feed your hunger. I wonder if it occurred to him that some of those people might not have enough food at home to eat.
I must be doing something terribly right because I feel so terrible. When I step forward, so does Satan (or one of his minions). He tries to stop me, using my own emotions and self-opinions against me.
Never applaud yourself. Whenever you think you are "good", there is someone or something you are overlooking. In other words, don't boast of your good works. Don't think/say, "Look how good I am! Look at that! This ward/church/I/whatever helps xxx." There is, as I said, always someone or something that you are overlooking. Don't think, "I'm evil," either. Don't bother having an opinion of yourself. You are. You exist. If God has told you that you're doing good, be grateful - but understand that He didn't tell you that you were without sin or error. As a permanent thing, that comes later.
I was thinking one morning how I would feel now if I had not married my children's father. I probably would never have had my children. I would have felt so empty, so barren without them. It was worth the "hell-marriage" to gain my children. There is something about them that fills my soul, that gives me satisfaction in knowing they exist here, in this plane of existence.
Sometimes there is a fine line between respecting someone and worshiping them.
These last two years, and the slide into ultra-poverty have been a real culture shock. But I wouldn't trade my freedom for a return to what I had. The fear I was living in was worse than going hungry/worrying about bills is now.