That's all I'm going to write about that.
I do wish to mention something else, though.
As I was listening to the lecture, I was convicted (as born again Christians are wont to say). It had nothing to do with plural marriage or polygamy. My eyes were opened just a tad more in regards to my awful situation - our awful situation. The words of Joseph Smith kept echoing in my brain: "The Lord is not trifling with you or me."
This is serious stuff. Few will make it. Why? I don't know. Not willing to totally bow the knee to God? Not recognizing when it is the Lord who is speaking because the messenger is unexpected? Not willing to totally let go of all our pride and falsehoods?
It can't possibly be because we are inherent sinners, incapable of saving ourselves. If that were the case, none of us could make it. None of us could be saved.
I look at myself and I see that I am so defective. I see that I can do nothing of myself. I lack so much knowledge. I desire my favorite sins. It is all I can do to cry to the Lord to remove my desires for lasciviousness, fear, anger, and judgmental attitudes.
"Oh, Lord, remove my sins!"
The Lord tells us that as we forgive, we will be forgiven. He tells us that if we love with His pure love, we will reap that love in return (what you cast upon the waters shall return to you).
I know something is changing in my heart because I see myself not caring when someone does something that used to throw me into a rage or, at the very least, a griping fit. I know something is changing when I become less and less worried that someone might find out that I consider Denver a true messenger, that I have been baptized by one having authority, and that I partake of the Lord's supper as often as I can in the manner described in scripture.
I even got brave enough to be exceedingly plain to my true believing sister. Her reply was awesome:
Thanks. I know you have told me some of this but the detail has helped me understand your journey.
I do appreciate your information.
I should not have been surprised, though. Our mother was very accepting of us and allowed us to make our own choices.
But, as usual, I go sideways of what I was originally intending to say. Perhaps, because I cannot find the words to say it.
This is serious. This is real. We have had so many pretenders. There have been so many men (perhaps women, also, but I don't know of any) who have come up over the years saying, "The Church is off-track. I, I, have the truth! Follow me."
There is so much knowledge we don't have. So much we think we know. So much we fear. So much we condemn or fight against or ignore because it doesn't fit our paradigms.
I look at the great chasms all around me, all of the many pits to fall into (and this last lecture opened my eyes to the fact that there are a great many more than I had previously thought), and all I can do is fall on my knees and cry unto God:
Oh, God, don't let me fall! Don't let darkness claim me! I have given up many things, I am willing to give up all things. I will and am giving up all I have and all I believe. Please! Rescue me. Change my heart so that I, like the Lamanites in the Book of Mormon, come to you and never return to my filth, to my sins, to my fears.
I cannot comprehend that I would be brave, that I would gladly suffer torment and persecution for my Lord's sake. Yet that is my goal, my desire. Not to suffer, but to be united with the Gods. To be and do what I came here to become and do. To be and do what my life was spared to become and do.
May God bless us all. May all who have the tiniest willingness to escape from Satan be rescued by the hand of the Almighty God is my prayer. Amen.