So, I got an epiphany a while ago. The Lord doesn't want me to be miserable. He really does want me to be happy. When I said that to Him, it seemed like He replied, "You finally got it! Yes! I'm not your enemy. I want you to have enough food to eat, clothes to wear, a place to live. I want you to be genuinely happy, not pretend to be happy while you are miserable and wish you were dead."
I read a couple of posts lately, about Zion. They made me think. They were sobering to me. One was here. The other was here.
Right before or after I read that second link, I watched a movie called, "The Truman Show." It was like getting hit with a sledgehammer. The post and the movie sort of merged in my soul (that's why I don't remember which I was exposed to first). I watched the movie again today.
There's a line in the movie that the creator of The Truman Show says to a detractor (one who wants Truman to be able to live a real life). I can't quote it verbatim, but in essence, he says, "He can get out if he wants. If he wants it badly enough [to do anything to get out], he can leave. But he doesn't want to get out. He likes his cage."
As I watched the show, watched someone putting into Truman's head that he was in a "cage," watched Truman slowly waking up to the fact that some things didn't add up, then watched him fight, willing to sacrifice all, not even withholding his life, so that he could find a truth he didn't even understand - as I watched that, something pushed inside of me. It pushed me to crave getting out of my own illusions, to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to find the Lord, to allow Him to work with me that I might be what, who, and where He wants me to be.
The first time I was rebaptized (before the general call to be baptized by "authority" instead of by "commission"), I was baptized in a river and three white wild horses grazed across the river the whole time. A call to courage, I think.
Fear. Worry. One or the other has been my constant companion since I was a preschooler. I am in the process of letting go of that. A couple of years ago, God began helping me with that in earnest. He is still working on it, and I am as willing a student as I know how to be. He's working on me trusting Him.
I fear my own sins. I fear my own failure. The other fears are fading into the background, even disappearing. I read the posts about how serious it is, what we are doing, what we are attempting. Can I do this? Can I sacrifice ALL that the Lord requires? How much have I already sacrificed? How much more is required? I feel so inadequate. I worry that I will come up against something I can't do, can't handle. I worry that because I've had more than enough hellish experiences in my life, things that I could barely survive. I pray God to lift me up and make it so that I don't notice how bad it really is. I've prayed that before. He has answered, done as I requested. There have been some times when I have been surprised, when I would look at my life objectively and see what I was going through and how much it did not hurt or scare me.
I pray God that darkness has no power over me, to drag me down, to cause me to fail. I am alive for a reason. I am alive because of what God wants me to do. He would not have sent His angels to show me the two paths I could choose if He knew I could not accomplish the one that required me to stay alive (as we call it). I must believe that the Lord can do this. I must believe that He has already atoned for my sins (and is only waiting for me to accept that). I must believe that He can create in me a new mind and a new heart. I must believe that I cannot understand all that the Lord comprehends. I must believe that trusting Him will cause me to break out of the illusions I live in.
I crave breaking out of this hell I was born into. I crave breaking into the reality, into the Light. But I cannot do it alone. I don't have the knowledge. I don't have the understanding. I still labor under too much fear and ineptitude.
God help me. God help us all.