Okay, this is a lighthearted post, but I don't think the author of the piece would mind at all if any of you decided to actually use it.
I'm sure many of you are familiar with the Kirton-McConkie letter forbidding people from stepping on church property (Will Carter has a copy of one on his blog). It's a form letter. Well, a friend made one, following their pattern, that really blasts open the ludicrousness of it.
So, any of you who have gotten such a letter, if you would like to reciprocate, here is a copy of the letter:
Dear Mr. [insert bishop or stake pres. name],
We are writing to inform you of restrictions placed upon you because of your recent actions. You have harmed our family, violated your own policies, and caused members of our family to fear for our safety and well-being. As a result you are no longer welcome to come onto any property owned by [insert name(s)], wherever located. Your children are welcome to visit our property for personal, confidential interviews provided they remain respectful and obedient to our instructions, provided that you do not accompany them.
We regret the necessity for this action and urge your immediate compliance. If you or anyone representing you or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints comes onto any of the aforementioned property in violation of these restrictions, you will be treated as a trespasser and will be subject to arrest and prosecution.
This restriction may be lifted if you can demonstrate to [insert name(s)] that you no longer pose a threat to others. You must comply with these restrictions for a sufficient time, demonstrate a sufficient degree of humility, and consistently take any medications prescribed by your healthcare provider. If a change in these restrictions is approved, you will receive a letter from an attorney’s office informing you of any changes.